Trauma Recovery

Out of Darkness: Toward Trauma Recovery

HOPE

My year started off full of anticipation, promise, and hope.  Lots of positive progressions that had seemed so far off for so long were now directly in front of me, staring me in the face.  I had worked hard, slept little, and sacrificed much – all for this moment.  I felt ecstatic.  I felt like I could breathe comfortably again for the first time in years.  I was exactly where I had wanted to be.                

THE FALL

Then life, as it seems to do quite often, threw me yet another curveball.  It actually threw me several of them all at once.  I didn’t have enough hands to catch all those curveballs!  My excitement, energy, and hope waned as though I’d been knocked into a well and Lassie was nowhere to be found.  I have to admit, I sat in the well for some time.  It seemed, at that moment, that I had two choices.  Make a little spot for myself in the well and hide out, or start engineering a makeshift ladder to crawl out.

CHOICES

Lots of people seem to think my choice should have been obvious.  Some of you might understand that, in that moment it wasn’t.  Really, if I hid out for a while, maybe more curveballs would just fly by overhead.  My hands were full, after all, and balls were already dropping all around me.  I was pretty exhausted, too, and just the thought of the energy it would take to build anything seemed pretty overwhelming.  So I did just that.  I made myself a little nesting place, got as comfortable as one can in a well, and hid out for a little while.

DISCOMFORT 

Wells, as you might guess, do not offer the most pleasant living environment.  It was dark, damp, and didn’t smell too great.  I felt pretty uncomfortable, but it really took some time to decide that the uncomfortable comfort of what had become familiar was not how I wanted to spend the rest of my days.  Somehow, someway, I was going to have to figure out how to start that makeshift ladder if I wanted any more than my dark, lonely, and miserable well existence.

TRAUMA

For people in general, but especially those who have had to live through trauma, life can seem like a series of events that push us into a well – into a dark, lonely, frightening, and overwhelming place.  The fall really hurts!  It’s scary and devastating.  It’s not something you get used to – or something that doesn’t faze you anymore.  It seems impossible to plan, build, and climb a ladder – just to risk more curveballs, and more pain.

Sometimes it seems like the work required to heal from trauma will never end.  Sometimes it feels overwhelming and scary.  Sometimes it seems easier to hide out for a little bit.  But building a ladder is not impossible.  Healing from trauma is not impossible.  Hope for something different is terrifying, but the options that life above the well has to offer can be so worth the risk.

A WAY OUT

So if you are sitting in your well, in that little dark spot you’ve crafted to hide out in, and you’re pretty uncomfortable…

If you’re starting to wonder if maybe you can think about leaving the discomfort of what you’ve gotten used to…

If a part of you wants to move toward creating a way out…

The first step is to decide you want something different.  You want to see if it might be more comfortable above ground.  If you think that, just maybe, you want more than can be found in your well, then take a little inventory.  What materials do you have available?  What will work as a makeshift ladder, and what can be tossed aside?  What coping skills have you already acquired to help you manage the task? Which of those skills will work for you now, or need a little tweaking, or need to be tossed aside altogether?

 

YOU DON'T HAVE TO FACE IT ALONE

Today, you have a bonus piece of ladder material, just there for the taking.  Today, I extend my metaphoric hand out to you – to help you weigh the pros and cons of moving out of the well.  To help you take inventory of what materials you have, and what materials you might need to create.  To help you start building for something different – something outside of the well.

Kristen Henshaw, a Licensed Professional Counselor, specializes in dissociation, trauma recovery, midlife transitions, caregivers' issues, women’s emotional health, and LGBTQ+ concerns. Contact her for a free 30-minute consultation.

 

Why is it so Important to Develop Internal Communication When You Have DID?

I understand the rationale behind not wanting to get to know or start to communicate with your insiders.  What if you lose control?  What if you are flooded with their memories?  What if you just want them all to go away?  What if they take over and you can’t get back?

Fear of getting to know your insiders is common, and will be addressed in a later post.

For now, I want to talk about the importance of getting to know your parts inside.  You may have been told something different - that it's not important to develop internal communication, that your insiders aren’t welcome in therapy, that you need to heal from them, or that you need to get rid of them altogether.  I do not believe or agree with those opinions – not at all! 

All of your insiders are parts of you.  You all share a body and brain.  All of the parts of you should be welcome in therapy, including all of your insiders.  All the parts of you deserve to be acknowledged and heard, and all the parts of you deserve to heal. 

Internal communication is one of the first, and most important steps toward healing when you have DID. 

Your insiders were there to help you through horrible experiences.  They took over when bad things happened.  They helped you survive and manage when things were overwhelming, unimaginable, and unmanageable.  They allowed you to go away in your mind.  They protected you.

Without internal communication, you will likely continue to lose time.  No one likes to be ignored, or treated as if they don’t exist or matter.  Part of getting to know your insiders opens the door for those parts of you to stop feeling ignored, isolated, and alone.  If they can’t receive that validation and respect from you, then they will likely try finding it elsewhere – and if you aren’t willing to listen, then they’ll probably do it behind your back, causing you to lose time.  However, if you start to develop a dialogue with them, letting them know that you hear, respect, and honor what they have done to protect you, and are willing to listen to what they need – it opens the door for negotiation, compromise, and teamwork.  As you get to know your insiders, the need to keep you in the dark becomes less and less important.

If you try to ignore your insiders, they are more likely to act out (taking over, flooding you with traumatic images or memories, harming the body, suicidal gestures).  It’s really no different than if you had gone to the ends of the earth to help your best friend, and in return, your best friend is now ignoring you.  That would really hurt, right?  Again, your insiders were there to help you through some of the toughest times of your life.  They don’t need or deserve to be hurt more.  They didn’t need or deserve to be hurt in the first place.  No part of you needed or deserved to be hurt!

Internal communication allows you access to some of your greatest assets!  You will get to know insiders who hold great strength.  You might get to know your nurturers who are able to soothe and comfort you.  Still other insiders might be very adept in social situations.  Some parts of you might be more creative about finding solutions to problems. 

Honestly, the fact that you have insiders at all – in and of itself – means that you are strong, resilient, brave, creative, and capable.  The fact that you went through experiences that were horrific enough to develop DID, and survive them, means that you have the strength and resilience to heal from them.  Getting to know those internal parts of you is one of the very first and most important steps toward healing.  And all the parts of you deserve to heal.

Warmly and respectfully,

Kristen

Kristen Henshaw, a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) is a DID therapist in Austin, TX. Her specializations include working with dissociation, facilitating trauma recovery, and helping highly sensitive people. For a gentle, respectful approach to healing, contact her for your free 30-minute consultation.