South Austin Counseling

Coping with High Sensitivity – Holiday Edition

How are all of you fellow Highly Sensitive People coping with the holidays this year?   

I started out this holiday season struggling a bit, but took a few extra steps and adjusted a few goals and expectations of myself.  The results have been refreshing, and I’m feeling much calmer and ready for the holiday.  Yes, I am a highly sensitive person (HSP) myself, in case you wondered whether or not I could truly relate. 

Here are some tips that have helped me along the way, and that I hope will be helpful for you, as well: 

1.       Shop early, or shop online

I learned this years ago, as shopping crowds can easily overwhelm me.  I don’t go anywhere near a retail store from Black Friday to the end of the year.  If I haven’t planned ahead for the year, and haven’t finished up my holiday shopping before November, then I resort to online gift shopping.  Truly, online shopping has become my favorite way to shop in general.  Solitude, a computer, and a dog at my feet – it sure beats fighting the crowds, and helps me avoid feeling agitated from sensory overload. 

2.       Reduce your outside commitments

Say, “No, thank you!”  It’s perfectly acceptable, and healthy to set boundaries to meet your own needs.  Limit your social commitments to those you are truly comfortable with, perhaps small gatherings instead of large parties and crowded venues.  If you have to attend a boisterous holiday party, you can still set limits and boundaries.  For example, if you know that you can manage two hours, then plan to arrive a little late or leave a bit early.   

3.       For every one outside commitment, schedule one (or two) internal commitments

What do I mean by internal commitment?  This is a commitment to yourself – to nourish yourself in whatever way works best for you.  For me, this includes a quiet evening alone with a good book, or watching a movie at home with a friend.  What works best for you, and helps you recharge your batteries?  Schedule a time to attend to what nurtures you the most. 

4.       If you can, schedule travel outside of the holiday rush

I realize for some folks, this just isn’t an option, but if you CAN plan a family visit in January instead of December, it helps – especially if you have to hit an airport to get there.  If you have to travel for whatever reason, be sure to take along things that calm you in hectic and stressful environments – noise-reducing headphones, stress-relieving essential oils, or books that you can get lost in are all examples of what are helpful for me. 

5.       Communicate your needs to those close to you

Let your partner, close friends, or family members know what your limits are.  Try to develop a game plan with them so that they can help you stick to your boundaries when you have to be out and among the crowds.  You probably already know which loved ones are best at supporting your needs, so reach out to them and see if they can act as a holiday ally when you have to be in stressful situations. 

6.       Manage expectations

If you’re visiting family this season, and know that some people don’t always get along so well, it helps a bit to keep in mind that this year will probably be no different.  If you go with the expectation that everyone will get along smashingly, it creates additional stress and anxiety on you.  Instead of expecting things to be perfect, instead plan small activities or quick escapes for when you need to recharge.  Taking a brisk walk away from others is a good planned activity, as well as volunteering to do some work in the kitchen or outside away from bickering relatives.   

7.       Remember, it’s your holiday, too

While you may be more (or not so) concerned about those close to you, and whether they are having an enjoyable holiday experience – don’t forget that this is your holiday, too!  Compromise is good, but staying fully focused on whether or not those around you are having a good experience can easily ensure that your own holiday will be a less than satisfying.  If you are someone who really wants your loved ones to have a great time, it can also help to remember that a calmer, cheerier you will likely be more enjoyable to be around than the overwhelmed and agitated version of yourself.   

Whatever you decide to do, or not do - I wish you a wonderful holiday full of peace, comfort, wellness, and warmth.  ~Kristen

Kristen Henshaw, a Licensed Professional Counselor Intern at Counseling South Austin under the supervision of Ann Stoneson, LPC-S, specializes in working with highly sensitive people on a variety of issues including social anxiety, seasonal depression, and coping with feeling overwhelmed. She welcomes diversity, and practices holistic and affirming counseling for members of the LGBTQ community. Contact her for a free thirty-minute consultation.

 

The Highly Sensitive Person’s Thanksgiving – 5 Tips for Self-Care

Another Thanksgiving is upon us.  As we express our gratitude for all of the good in our lives, or we struggle to find thanks in our current circumstances, let’s not forget about the importance of self-care!  There are many people who struggle around the holidays, and find this time of year exceedingly difficult. 

STRESS

Gatherings can be stressful, even around those you feel secure with – whether you are having to travel to spend time with loved ones, or having more than usual guests at your own home, the added stimuli can takes its toll on us emotionally and physically.  Some of you may be unable to travel or meet with loved ones, which creates a stress of its own.  Still others are plagued by memories of not-so-great holiday experiences in the past. 

Whatever your situation or circumstance, as a highly sensitive person, we can become overstimulated by a multitude of internal and external busy-ness.  Remember, sensitive people need more time and space to recharge their batteries! 

TIPS

Here are some holiday self-care tips for you, the highly sensitive person:

1.       Plan to give yourself a break.  Be sure to plan in advance to find a quiet space in which you can immerse yourself in solitude for a few moments.  Even if your loved ones aren’t generally loud or exuberant, it can still be helpful to get away for a few moments to re-center and ground yourself.

2.       Temper your expectations.  You may have painted a picture in your mind of the perfect holiday, but things rarely go exactly as planned.  In order to avoid disappointment or an over-taxing of your emotions or nervous system, try your best to be realistic in your expectations. It may help to keep in mind that others might be feeling added holiday stress, too.

3.       Reach out to trusted friends or family.  Have a plan of action with a couple of your closest, most trusted loved ones, and coordinate how you can support one another if things start to feel too overwhelming.  Remember that it is perfectly okay, even healthy, to reach out and ask for help.

4.       Practice saying “no, thank you.”  Get comfortable with the words by repeating them over and over again, until it rolls off your tongue without hesitation.  If someone asks of you more than you are willing to give, or if someone asks you to do something you don’t feel up for, let the “no, thank you” come out without hesitation or guilt.  It is not rude or selfish to care for yourself and your needs.

5.       Find extra ways to be good to yourself.  Whatever you find most soothing – long walks, hot baths, funny movies – allow yourself some added time to indulge in activities that help you stay grounded, mentally healthy, and at peace.  Remember that the holidays are here for you, too!  Whatever your way of celebrating, or not, take extra gentle, good care of yourself.

 

Kristen Henshaw, a Licensed Professional Counselor Intern at Counseling South Austin under the supervision of Ann Stoneson, LPC-S, specializes in supporting the highly sensitive person.  Her other specializations include social anxiety, trauma recovery, and dissociation.  She offers a trans and LGBQ affirming environment. Contact her for your free thirty-minute consultation.

Tips for Coping with Grief as a Highly Sensitive Person

Unknowns

Last year, my youngest dog-child was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer.  Statistics told us that in 96% of cases, we would have another six months, or at most a year with our fur-baby.  Thanks to the talented hands of our surgeon-vet, the tumors were removed and we have enjoyed 15 months of tumor-free love from our very affectionate, 80-pound lap dog.  It has been 15 months of check-ups and blood tests, with the acute awareness just below my daily conscious thoughts that any day could see the return of cancer, or best case, she could live out her days with no re-emergence. 

This particular unknown has been a manageable part of my existence.  I enjoy my moments with her.  I acknowledge the occasional thought that our time may be more limited than we originally hoped, and re-focus my attention to the now.  I also recognize the intermittent twangs of fear, and again, re-center myself to the present moment.  This has worked well for me in these past months when her passing was not so nearly immanent.

Heartbreak

Last week, we noticed a couple of lumps, took her in, and biopsies confirmed the cancer’s return.  Even though this wasn’t a surprise, the sadness hit me like a sledgehammer in the chest.  As a highly sensitive person, I knew the news meant frequent bouts of crying - but how in the world was I going to control the timing of my tears? 

Distraction is a great short-term skill, but there’s only so much time our hearts and minds will be ignored.  The longer we expend the incredible energy it takes to push away feelings and thoughts – the more explosively our emotions will eventually erupt.  The eruption occurs in its own time, regardless of whether or not we are in a comfortable setting for it. 

Grieving

Everyone has their own unique way of grieving.  As highly sensitive people, though, we may need a little more time – alone or with only those who are the very closest to us.  We may need a little more space to allow ourselves to process bad news or loss.  We may need to pencil in some extra time to just be with the intensity.

If you are grieving as a highly sensitive person:

Be gentle and kind with yourself –

Grief is hard!  It is not something to be brushed aside or taken lightly.  Because people with high sensitivity feel things more deeply, and need to process experiences more fully, you might need to work even harder than the non-sensitive to show yourself patience, kindness, and compassion.  If you are already doing something nice for yourself, schedule even more self-care time and activities during this difficult time.  Put some extra energy into making sure your physical needs are met, and make sure you are engaging in plenty of healthy activities that have proven soothing or comforting to you. 

Create a collage, sketch, painting, or some other representation that is meaningful to you –

As you take the time to delve into your creative side, you can use the time and activity to fully engage yourself in processing your grief or loss.  Your creation doesn’t have to be perfect, and no one else has to see it – this is for you!  Creativity invites your right-brain to participate in your grieving process, while at the same time allowing you to create something special for yourself and who or what you have lost. 

Schedule time daily to allow yourself to fully feel your feelings –

So much of our time today is wrapped up in responsibilities that encourage or require us to pack away our emotions.  I use the pressure-cooker metaphor frequently.  If you never allow any pressure to escape, your risk injury from an explosion.  I view emotions in the same way.  If you never allow yourself to feel your feelings, you risk psychic injury (to yourself and others) from the eventual and inevitable explosion.  Like a pressure cooker, it is healthiest to allow the release of your feelings to prevent an emotional explosion. 

Do not judge your own experience –

Tears aren’t always comfortable, and many highly sensitive individuals tend to become annoyed or even angry about their frequent tearfulness – but tears are cleansing, healing, and help us move through the grieving process.  If it feels like you are taking too long to grieve, I assure you there is no such thing as far as I’m concerned.  You are a unique and amazing individual – don’t allow another’s sense of timing to persuade you that you are taking too long, or grieving in the wrong way.  You are grieving in YOUR way, and that is all that matters. 

And, as always, reach out for support –

Do not feel like you have to carry the weight of grief alone.  Seek comfort from a trusted friend or family member, or seek counseling to help you through this difficult time.

Kristen Henshaw, a Licensed Professional Counselor Intern at Counseling South Austin under the supervision of Ann Stoneson, LPC-S, specializes in supporting the highly sensitive person, and highly intuitive people navigate through their unique challenges.  Her additional experience and areas of focus include trauma recovery, midlife transitions, and caregivers' issues.  She offers an affirming environment for members of the LGBTQ+ communities. Contact her for your free thirty-minute consultation.

Thriving as a Highly Sensitive Person

Hypersensitivity?

All my life people have told me that I’m too sensitive, too emotional, and that I take things too personally.  I have always been deeply moved by art, music, literature - and ASPCA commercials bring me to tears.  When I’m having a "hypersensitivity" moment, I often get that look from people who know me (and those who don’t) that says, “You’re odd,” “you’re broken,” or, “what’s WRONG with you?”  For a long time, I thought there WAS something wrong with me.  I felt embarrassed and ashamed of how I was – of WHO I was.  I felt weak, broken, and different.  Most of all, I felt misunderstood, hopeless, and alone.

I spent years trying to change myself – to make myself more normal, adequate, and strong.  I attempted to turn what some called my “overly emotional” tendencies into something more socially acceptable.  I tried to “pull myself up by my bootstraps,” grow thicker skin, and project stoicism.  And it seemed to work for a little while.

But something was off.  I wasn’t any happier.  My relationships weren’t more meaningful.  I didn’t feel any less alone.  I felt like I was in disguise, incognito, and more isolated than ever.  Now, not only did others misunderstand me, but eventually I didn’t ever recognize myself.  I had bought into the comments, the looks, and the judgments – and I had run out of ideas on how to conform and fix my broken self.

Hope for the HSP

Finally, while researching internet wisdom, I stumbled upon the work of Dr. Elaine Aron.  Her research found that high sensitivity, or Sensory Processing Sensitivity, is an innate and normal trait found in as much as 20% of the population.  This meant that, while I wasn’t in the majority, there was nothing wrong with me!  My high sensitivity was just part of my neural design.  It was no different than having any other genetic trait like blond hair or hazel eyes.  I was relieved!  It didn’t fix all of my unique challenges, but I wasn’t broken.

Transitioning from Coping to Thriving

An important part of my journey toward thriving as a highly sensitive person involved accepting my innate sensitivity, learning more about myself and my needs, and tending to those needs.  The following is a list of tips to help you get started on thriving as an HSP:

1.       Surround yourself with positivity.  

The highly sensitive person is much more in tune with the world around them.  We soak up everything, process it more deeply, and feel it more profoundly.  So if you are finding yourself in toxic situations, or surrounded by pessimistic people, you are going to be internalizing much more negativity than the average person.  It is important to find people and environments which exude positive, accepting energy so that what you are absorbing is hopeful and enriching.

2.       Develop a calming and quiet space to decompress.  

The world is bustling, hectic, chaotic, and loud.  The highly sensitive person is much more likely to become overwhelmed by all the commotion.  It is important for us to create a space that minimizes bright light, noise, and other sensory stimulation so that we can re-center ourselves and give our nerves a break.

3.       Pay attention to yourself.  

Most of us have been led to believe that there is something inherently wrong with us.  But we think and feel more deeply than most, and when we’ve spent so much time trying to change that about ourselves, we learn to ignore what our thoughts, emotions, and bodies are trying to tell us.  If we can tune into ourselves, we can learn to read what our bodies are trying to say.  This will help us do something about it before we become overwhelmed. 

4.       Set and maintain personal boundaries.  

Highly sensitive people are much more in tune with others.  For that reason, it is easy for the HSP to empathize.  It is usually easy for us to fall into the habit of putting others before ourselves.  This can drain our energy ever faster than usual.  Take time to stop and think about what is best for you, and practice and get comfortable saying, “No.”

5.       Practice self-compassion.  

We naturally tune in to, and tend to the needs of others.  As we learn to accept our high levels of sensitivity and tend to our own needs, it might help to remember the upsides to being a highly sensitive person.  We are passionate, intuitive, creative, perceptive, and able to connect more deeply with others.  At times, our hypersensitivity isn’t comfortable, but we can find ways to use it to our advantage.

Kristen Henshaw, a Licensed Professional Counselor Intern at Counseling South Austin under the supervision of Ann Stoneson, LPC-S, specializes in working with highly sensitive people on a variety of issues including self-esteem, coping with environmental sensitivities, childhood trauma/abuse/neglect recovery, dissociation (including DID-Dissociative Identity Disorder), managing anxiety, and caregiver stress. She practices holistic and affirming counseling and welcomes diversity.  Contact her for a free thirty-minute consultation.