Happy Mother’s Day to All of You Sandwich Generation Moms!

Being a mom is hard work!  Being a mom when you also care for an aging parent is even harder.  You balance parenting, partnering, work, and caregiving – and many times it seems like there aren’t enough hours in the day.  As a sandwich generation mom and caregiver, you face unique challenges and circumstances, some of which include:

Location, location, location –

Overcoming the challenges of physical distance can be tricky!  If you are trying to care for a parent or family member who does not live close-by, the stress of knowing how to be there for them can add to an already highly challenging situation.  Traveling to help care for an aging or ailing parent can take away from your time, cut into your finances, and sometimes can create conflicts at home. 

Constantly changing roles –

As the needs of a parent or family member change, so do the dynamics of family systems.  Your parents spent years caring for you.  They once did all the things that you now do for your own children.  It can be a difficult adjustment when they grow to depend on you for things they used to be able to do for themselves.  You want to do all you can to help out, but parents often have their own ideas about how that should happen.  You might find your roles changing at home, too.  Things you might have taken care of before you started caring for your parent, now must fall to your spouse or other family members. 

Challenging expectations –

Often, an aging parent just doesn’t seem to understand that you are also a mom, an employee, or a spouse with your own bills to pay and home to run.  It can be difficult to manage your parent’s sometimes unrealistic expectation of what you can and cannot do for them.  Setting boundaries can be challenging in and of itself.  You might find yourself feeling guilty, or even resentful.

Lack of control –

As parents, you generally have some say in your child’s schedule, and some control over their activities.  With a spouse, negotiation likely comes into play.  As a parental caregiver, though, it is usually more difficult to manage things for your parents.  You might not have as much control over their diet, finances, medication compliance, or medical care.  You probably have a pretty good idea about what sorts of things your parent should be doing to manage or improve their situation, but getting them to listen can sometimes be an uphill battle.    

Helping to care for a parent can be an incredibly rewarding endeavor.  It can also be frustrating, stressful, and exhausting.  I know you feel pulled in a million different directions.  I know you work hard to juggle, balance, and manage many responsibilities.  I know there are days that feel like relief is never going to come.  I hope you can find a quiet moment today to celebrate and appreciate yourself for all you do.

Kristen Henshaw, a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), specializes in caregivers' issues, trauma recovery, and dissociation. Contact her for a free thirty-minute consultation here.

5 Tips for Avoiding Caregiver Burnout

I stood at the kitchen counter brewing my second pot of coffee.  It was late, and though I had been running non-stop for the past 15 hours, I didn’t feel like I had accomplished anything.  I had a load of clothes to wash, a report to finish for work, a research paper to complete for school, bills I needed to pay, dishes to wash, and medications I needed to prepare.  There was something else, too – something important!  What was it?  I could hear my grandma snoring in the next room.  Suddenly a mix of anger, jealousy, and resentment flooded me.  Shame and guilt quickly followed.  I loved my grandma.  I would do anything for her.  I was doing anything for her. 

I fixed my cup of coffee, having lost count of how many cups I’d already had that day.  I desperately needed a shower, some real food, and some sleep - but who had time for that?  It was midnight.  I had to get up for school by 6:00 AM.  It was going to be another long night, followed by another long day. 

Caring for another person can feel lonely, exhausting, and overwhelming.  It can have a negative impact on your physical and emotional health.  As caregivers, we focus our attention on the person we are caring for, and often neglect to consider our own wants and needs.  The longer we neglect ourselves, the closer to caregiver burnout we get. 

Through my own experiences, research, and tips from others, I compiled the following list of ways to avoid caregiver burnout:

1)      Create a practical schedule that includes self-care.

There is always an over-abundance of things that need to be done every day.  Take five minutes out of every morning to create a manageable schedule.  Be sure to include breaks!  You need time to step away from your caregiving responsibilities and refuel. 

Be sure to pencil in basic self-care.  Let’s face it: if we do not care for our own needs, we will become sick ourselves and face burnout more quickly.  Basic self-care includes eating well (and no, coffee does not count as a meal), getting adequate rest, exercising, and practicing good daily hygiene. 

Include a caregiver to-do list, and prioritize it!  Don’t worry if the items further down the list aren’t done.

2)      Set realistic expectations.

Everyone around has an opinion about what you should be doing, and how you should be doing it.  On top of that, you probably expect more from yourself than anyone else.  Go easy on yourself.  Let go of the “shoulds.”  This is one of the hardest, often thankless jobs out there.  Remind yourself often that you are doing what you can to help another person, and that your efforts are valuable!  Look over your schedule from tip #1 and be honest with yourself about what you can reasonably expect to get done in a day, while still taking care of yourself.

Learn about your loved one’s illness, too.  When you know what to expect, you reduce your amount of stress by feeling more prepared.  It will help you to avoid having unrealistic expectations of the person in your care, and lessen potential feelings of irritation and resentment. 

3)      Reward yourself.

You work hard every day to make sure that another person is cared for.  That is admirable, and deserves recognition and reward.  Find time each week to do something special for yourself, whether it is seeing a movie you’ve been wanting to see, having dinner out with a friend, taking a long bubble bath, or spending an afternoon relaxing in the park.

4)      Set and maintain boundaries.

One of the most difficult things I had to learn to do as a caregiver was to say “no.”  Know your limitations, and do not allow anyone to push you past them.  If the person in your care is capable of doing something for themselves, let them!  This will foster their own independence, empower them, and maybe lessen your load a bit.

5)      Get help.

We often find ourselves caring for others in isolation.  If you find that you have no assistance, no one to talk to, or you feel overwhelmed by all of your responsibilities, do not be afraid to ask for help!  Research available resources in your area, join a support group, or seek counseling.  

Kristen Henshaw, a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), specializes in caregivers' issues, trauma recovery, and dissociation. Contact her for a free thirty-minute consultation here. 

Caring for Yourself When You Care for Others

During part of my counseling internship, I worked for a non-profit organization focused on caring for the needs of adult children with serious and persistent mental illness diagnoses.  The organization was founded by concerned parents looking for additional support and resources for their adult child.  It grew to offer individual and family therapy, case management, group classes, and social development and support.  It is a wonderful organization that improves the quality of life for many adults with mental illnesses, and I thoroughly enjoy working with these adults. 

But what about the parents?

Though I loved my work, something seemed to be missing!  The adult children were benefiting from psychological, social, and functional assistance, but the parents were often the ones who seemed to lack much needed support.  Many times, the parents attended information sessions with their adult child, and appeared more interested in the services than their children.  The parents often stated they felt lost, alone, overwhelmed, and exhausted.  Most of them were experiencing burn out.  For the most part, these parents had been caring for every need of their child on their own – for decades.  They loved their children deeply.  They had given years of their time, energy, and resources so that their children could live safer, healthier, and happier lives.  However, they themselves were running on empty.  They would work, and worry about their children while they were away.  They would skip out on date nights, social functions, and hobbies in order to provide care for their adult children.  Sometimes, two parents would disagree about the ways in which to best serve their children, creating strain within relationships. 

I was never a caregiver of an adult child with mental illness.  Instead, I was the caregiver of a grandparent with mental illness.  Throughout my internship experience, my passion for working with caregivers continued to grow.  Caregivers go above and beyond.  They attempt to balance the demands of work, a social life, relationships, hobbies, and self-care with providing for the needs of their loved ones.  They research the illnesses of their loved one, devote themselves to their care, and sometimes find they have nothing left for themselves. 

Does this sound like someone you know?

You may find that these feelings sound familiar.  You might long to have a day off, but feel guilty for even wishing for time to yourself.  You might feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities.  You might feel lost and alone, as though no one understands what you are going through.  As a caregiver, I felt many of these things and more.  At the same time, I know that balance is possible.  I hope this and future blog posts will help you to feel less alone.  I hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that there are folks out there who realize how much you sacrifice for others, and want to help.  I am happy that you made time to care for yourself today by reading here, and hope you will return.  You deserve to care for yourself, too!

What else can you do?

Caregivers often find themselves focused so much on the care of others that they neglect their own needs.  Neglecting yourself can cause stress, depression, and physical illness.  Follows are a few quick questions you can ask yourself to help you determine if you are taking steps toward caring for your own needs:

-          Are you getting enough sleep?

-          Are you eating well?

-          Are you getting any exercise?

-          Are you able to care for yourself when you don’t feel well?

-          Do you have a support system in place?  Someone to take over for a few hours?  Someone to talk to?

-          Are you comfortable asking for and accepting help?

Early in my caregiving days, I answered “no” to all of these questions.  I was struggling with caregiver fatigue.  Eventually, I had to find ways to care for myself so that I could be in top condition to continue caring for my grandmother.  How about you?  What sorts of things are you doing to take care of you?

Kristen Henshaw, a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), specializes in caregiver's issues, trauma recovery, and dissociation. Contact her for a free thirty-minute consultation here.