The impact of emotional abuse is devastating, though it is often minimized by others, and by the survivors of the abuse themselves. Many emotional abuse survivors say things like, “I didn’t have it so bad. It could have been worse!” Many survivors attempt to shrug it off, stating that they are (or were) too sensitive, or that the mistreatment either didn’t matter, or that they deserved it.
The thing is – emotional and narcissistic abusers intend for you to feel that way! If you feel as though your experiences are your fault, or that they just don’t matter, then the emotional abuser has you just where they want you – stuck, and often blaming yourself or minimizing your experiences. The abuser has taught you, through chronic invalidation of your feelings and experiences, to invalidate yourself.
If you’ve experienced emotional or narcissistic abuse as a child, or as an adult, the abuse can result in many current day struggles – even if you’ve been able to remove yourself from the abuser. Some of these issues include:
Perfectionism:
You seem stuck on the idea that, if you just do things better, then the belittling, invalidation, and insults will stop. You work to perform to perfection, thinking that if you can just be perfect, then you can earn the love of the emotionally or narcissistically abusive person.
Giving Up:
On the opposite side of the coin – if you have done your best to be perfect and discovered (as inevitably one will) that perfection is impossible, you may stop trying altogether. You find yourself saying, “What’s the point?”
Trust Issues:
Your reality has been questioned or manipulated so many times, that you start to have difficultly trusting others, and trusting yourself. When you cannot trust others, you start to feel isolated and afraid to let your guard down enough to develop friendships or relationships. When you cannot trust yourself, you also isolate out of fear, feeling unable to trust your own judgments enough to protect yourself from more hurt.
Indecision:
You have extreme difficulty when trying to make decisions. This stems from being constantly told that you were not good enough, or that you could not trust your own perceptions.
Hypervigilance and Anxiety:
Living with an emotionally or narcissistically abusive person often results in the feeling of having to walk on eggshells constantly. You never knew when the next explosion would occur, so you learned to be on guard all the time. Not only is hypervigilance physically and mentally exhausting, but leads to long-term struggles with anxiety, and an inability to relax.
Dissociation:
When you feel trapped, and forever in no-win situations, sometimes the only thing left to do is to mentally check-out. Overwhelming feelings become too burdensome, and you do what you have to do to keep going through the motions of life. You might find yourself on auto-pilot, feeling disconnected from yourself or the world around you, because your experiences have become too overwhelming to consciously acknowledge.
Fear of Abandonment:
Especially if you experienced emotional or narcissistic abuse as a child, you may have developed a heightened fear of people leaving you, or abandoning you.
Low Self-Esteem:
The more you heard that you were unworthy, the more you started to believe it. You might now feel inferior to others, like your needs don’t matter. You might go so far to say that you don’t have needs at all. Low self-esteem has a list of symptoms of its own: depression, anxiety, fear, hypervigilance, self-sabotaging behaviors, social withdrawal, sensitivity to criticism, and difficulty living in the moment.
Symptoms of Posttraumatic Stress (PTS) or Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD):
As much as people still want to believe that emotional abuse is somehow less significant than physical trauma, emotional and narcissistic abuse is traumatic. Many of the issues listed above coincide with symptoms of posttraumatic stress including: hypervigilance, dissociation, detachment, self-blame, and isolation. In addition, other symptoms of posttraumatic stress include: intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, nightmares, avoidance, and difficulty with sleep or concentration.
Physical Ailments without Medical Cause:
The stress of living in an emotionally abusive environment takes its toll on the body, as well. Some common physical symptoms are headaches, stomach problems, weight gain or loss, fatigue, insomnia, and lowered immunity to illness. Chronic pain, chronic health conditions, and autoimmune disorders are frequent challenges for people with emotional abuse, emotional neglect, and trauma histories.
Recovery
If you grew up in an emotionally abusive environment, or if you’ve found yourself on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse as an adult – you may relate to one or all of the above mentioned effects. You might feel a bit lost, wondering if you will ever find your way back to the person you once were.
There is help and hope. When people have been traumatized in any way, sometimes their experiences can feel incoherent or jumbled. Seeking counseling can help you put the pieces back together in a way that makes sense, and frees you to live your life fully once again.
The truth is, you can recover. You can find your way out of the madness. You can learn to trust yourself and others, and regain your sense of self. You never deserved to be on the receiving end of emotional or narcissistic abuse. You DO deserve to be treated kindly, and with respect.
Kristen Henshaw, a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), specializes in emotional and narcissistic abuse recovery, as well as high sensitivity and dissociative disorders. Contact her for your free 30-minute consultation.